


book club

by adhdmollymauk



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Other, Pre-Relationship, mlm wlw solidarity: the fic, tags updated 6/20 eyes emoji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 05:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adhdmollymauk/pseuds/adhdmollymauk
Summary: (or, how caleb widogast learned to stop worrying and love terrible smut fiction.)"What are you two doing in here! Is it sex, have you been hooking up this whole time--""Have wewhat,"Beau says, then bursts into laughter."Is this a new kink I don't know about?" Jester says, definitely teasing this time."I hate all of you," Caleb says, holding his book over his face, and then, "Jester we are both GAY." Technically, it could work on his end, but he won't give Jester any more teasing ammo than she already has."Yeah dude, we're just reading terrible porn in the same room. Y'know, like friends do," Beau says in her usual deadpan, her face already composed back to what Fjord lovingly calls Active Bitchface.a beautiful friendship that begins with tearing apart bad porn and becomes two nerds trying their best to flirt with their respective crushes..... caleb's panicked gay internal monologues... hot hot tiefling porn.... this fic has it all (rated for all the porn they consume and talk about in the fic. there may or may not be actual hot tiefling porn later on)





	book club

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by [maria](http://wlwbeau.tumblr.com), who's the absolute best despite google docs finding it necessary to send me ten (10) emails with every single one of her updates
> 
> chapter summary: caleb and beau begin, slowly, to Bond. jester is jester. caleb is confronted with some unfortunate gay feelings.

It starts with _The Courting of the Crick_. Caleb passes it off to Beau, then takes it back, but he doesn't have the energy to finish it after the Gentleman's ridiculous errand. He's stopped about at her bookmark, which is a strip of cloth he thinks is a repurposed hair tie, and just hands it back to her as she passes by with a drink.

"You finish it yet? No spoilers," Beau says, immediately sitting down in a corner of the tavern and opening it up.

"No, I got to where you were," he says distantly.

Beau elbows him in the side, which she probably means to be companionable but hurts quite a bit, and says, "So what'd you think of _that one sex scene,_ huh?" She waggles her fingers in a way that's obviously supposed to imply _something._ It just looks like her hands are still kind of numb from punching that gelatinous monster and she's trying to shake them out.

Caleb groans, remembering, and Beau starts cracking up. She has a surprisingly high laugh, and it's infectious, making him chuckle a bit despite himself.

" _Dude_. When he used that bridle to gag her I just fucking died. Do they have any idea what was  _on that_?"

Caleb puts his face in his hands at the memory. "And the horse was just _right there_ , how could that be conducive to any kind of mood!"

Beau gives him a very serious look. "Caleb, I straight up thought the horse was going to join in at one point, _that's how bad it was._ They kept mentioning it was there!"

Caleb realizes he is having a pleasant social interaction and not panicking about any of this, which is unexpected but nice. He's only just learned that Beau doesn't completely hate him and in fact loves him? Apparently? He's not sure he'd put it that way yet, but he actually enjoys her company. And also it's pretty great tearing apart this shitty book with someone who's read it too.

He reaches for the book in her hand, for once not thinking about how close he is to another person, and opens it up to the offending pages. "Look at this shit. His _bulging member?_ Really. We are supposed to think this is sexy?"

Beau leans over his shoulder to point at another passage, rolling her eyes. "I'm more concerned that they think her tits can do that, like, physically. Like oh my god, this was so clearly written by a dude. Do straight people actually have sex like this?"

"I really hope not," Caleb says, then realizes he and Beau have just both admitted they're not straight. He smiles. It was pretty clear that Beau was into women from how flustered she got around Yasha, but Caleb has never mentioned being mostly into guys, and it's not like he walks around making gay jokes. (Beau does. Like, constantly.)

"Here's the thing though, some of the gay books are actually worse? Like that thing that Ivy.... Eva.... whatsherface at Chastity's Nook wrote, that was. A lot." Beau looks like she's eaten something sour, which isn't all that much different from her normal expression but different enough that it's noticeable.

"I didn't catch any of it but I believe you," he says, remembering that woman's... odd demeanor. "Actually, I think that _Shallow Breaths_ one was both women if you want to give it a try after you finish this one?"

"Oh man, yeah! Maybe it'll actually be _good!_ " She takes the book back and flips to her bookmark again. Then she looks over at Caleb and says, "Hey, since we're both at the same place, do you wanna just read this together?"

"I... sure," Caleb says, allowing himself to smile. They take the book upstairs to the room Beau shares with Jester and lounge a few inches apart on the bed with the book between them. Beau, Caleb quickly learns, does not know how to sit like a human being, and keeps switching positions and nearly kicking him; also she reads much slower than he does. After an interminable few minutes, he gives up and just lets her read it while he starts _Shallow Breaths_ , which is not all that great either but decently enjoyable compared to _Crick_ 's dry historical bullshitting.

 

As he probably should have guessed would happen, Jester gets in on it too. He and Beau have been reading in the same room on and off for a few nights, occasionally doing dramatic readings of particularly bad passages or stopping to debate plot points, when Jester bursts into the room.

"What are you two doing in here! Is it sex, have you been hooking up this whole time--"

"Have we _what_ ," Beau says, then bursts into laughter.

"Is this a new kink I don't know about?" Jester says, definitely teasing this time.

"I hate all of you," Caleb says, holding his book over his face, and then, "Jester we are both GAY." Technically, it could work on his end, but he won't give Jester any more teasing ammo than she already has.

"Yeah dude, we're just reading terrible porn in the same room. Y'know, like friends do," Beau says in her usual deadpan, her face already composed back to what Fjord lovingly calls Active Bitchface.

Jester gasps, immediately forgetting anything else she was going to say. "You guys are reading porn? Beau, I've been telling you to read _Tusk Love_! Are you reading that next?!"

"Uh..." Beau says, momentarily lost. Caleb kicks himself for what he's about to say but does it anyway.

"I'd like to read it first, actually," he says, trying his hardest to sound sincere. Jester's eyes go huge.

"YES! Ohmygosh, Caleb, you are going to love it, it's about this dashingly handsome half-orc named _Oskar_ \--"

" _Ja_ , I know, we all know--" Caleb tries to interject, but she just barrels on.

"And then when they have this romantic boat ride, oh my gosh it is _so_ beautiful--"

"No spoilers, remember!" Caleb almost yells. Jester puts her hands over her mouth and nods before going to get the book out of her bag. It's already a little worn at the binding, Caleb notes with something like fondness.

"Hey, you wanna read this when I finish it? It's called _Zemnian Nights_ , it's actually halfway decent," Beau says, holding up her book. Jester nods enthusiastically.

"Better you than me," Caleb says, not as quietly as he should have, and Beau snorts.

"I'm telling you, Caleb, you gotta give it a chance, even if the translation is shit!"

"That is all I need to know about it, thank you." Caleb turns the page in his book to emphasize his point.

 

Caleb expects things to change when Beau learns why he's afraid of fire. He doesn't know how, exactly, but he's taken it as fact that their developing friendship will be ruined now that Beau knows what a monster he is. What he doesn't expect is for nothing to change at all, but that's exactly what happens. Beau treats him the same as she always has, and he's constantly terrified that she's just pretending and that something bad will happen when she stops. Nothing ever does.

Beau even makes time for him while they're on the road, in between painful attempts at flirting with Yasha, which he definitely hears but is too nice to tease her about. When they stop for lunch, she stretches out on her back beside him and reads particularly bad passages out loud. He reads terribly translated Zemnian dirty talk over her shoulder after the third time she mispronounces the words so horribly he has to beg her to stop. And things keep on being okay and normal. He thinks it might be okay to breathe.

"What the fuck language is that," Yasha asks him in Celestial, or rather, "What in the name of the gods language is that," because Celestial is too pretty to have real swear words.

"Mine, barely," he replies. Yasha snorts.

"Are you two singing about me? Because that's what it sounds like you're doing and I don't like it," says Beau with an impressive pout.

"We were just discussing the weather," Yasha says, perfectly blank.

 

Caleb hasn't found a decent historical text in three different shops, but he has found some surprisingly good and slightly less smutty romance fiction about a genderfluid elven warrior falling for both the princess they're supposed to be protecting and a snarky thief. He's hoping the love triangle doesn't have a stupid resolution, but he's getting way more into it than he thought he would--enough that he decides to go back to the shop where he'd gotten it and look for the next book in the series, despite knowing there's nothing of real value there. The usual crew goes along, plus Mollymauk, who claims he's curious. Somehow he's managed not to come along on any of these excursions so far, having been busy with whatever the hell he gets up to all the time.

The Cupid's Bow is a somewhat more reputable establishment than some of the other smut shops they've been to. This is apparently very disappointing for Molly. His face falls the second they walk in and see pretty much a normal bookstore, a little dusty but well organized with a few big displays set up for new books. Caleb definitely isn't staring, and definitely does not find it cute that Molly's tail droops when he's disappointed. He coughs and turns to look at one of the book displays, which seems to have just been added. He has to stifle a groan.

INFERNAL TONGUES, proclaims the poster in big illuminated letters, and there's a picture of a red tiefling with his shirt ripped halfway off and glowing eyes. He’s standing back to back with a--oh good fucking gods--human man whose long hair, big coat and piercing eyes are definitely reminiscent enough of Caleb himself that he knows he's never ever going to hear the end of it. He does his best to block the poster with his body. It works for about one minute, until Beau comes up and elbows him in the side. It's her way of being friendly which is great and all but she's a jock and he could probably be blown over by a stiff breeze, so he's thrown off balance and nearly falls into the book display.

"Hey Caleb, whatcha--oh holy SHIT." Beau stares at the poster in growing delight. Caleb barely resists the urge to just lie down on the floor and pretend he isn't here.

"Yeah, I was just thinking how very uninteresting this looks. I was about to go over to look at uhhhh whatever that book is over there--"

Before he can steer Beau away, he feels something brush past him and looks up to see Mollymauk leaning his head on Beau's shoulder. Great. Just what he needs.

"What'd you find, babe?" Molly asks.

Beau says "Die" without any real malice and punches him lightly in the shoulder. Caleb has no idea what the two of them are talking about at any given moment, and he's pretty sure strangers think they're either dating with a terrible dynamic or mortal enemies, but it's just kind of how they interact and it terrifies him.

"We found some hot tiefling porn though.  _Hey Jester, we found tiefling porn!"_ she yells across the store, and Caleb starts mentally running through all the spells he could theoretically use to theoretically cause a distraction so he can make a run for it before anyone takes a good look at the poster.

"Oh my gosh," Jester says. Caleb blinks. She had just been over by the door and now she’s next to them, skimming through the book. "Wow, whoever wrote this did their research on Infernal! Also, this is _super_ dirty."

"You guys have been holding out on me," Molly says, leaning over Jester's shoulder to read along. "I can't believe I've been left out of Porn Book Club until now."

"We don't have a--okay, you know what, you're not wrong," Caleb says, defeated. At least no one is talking about Alternate Universe Ridiculously Handsome Caleb on the book cover yet.

Predictably, they buy a copy of _Infernal Tongues_. Jester brings it up, also predictably, and they all immediately swivel to look at Caleb.

"Look at those piercing eyes! And the hair!" Jester says, bouncing up and down on her toes.

"I don't know if it's all _that_ similar," Molly says thoughtfully. "He's not nearly dirty enough."

" _Thanks_ ," Caleb mumbles sarcastically. Too many people are looking at him, and Jester keeps staring into his eyes like she's going to find something there, and the room is starting to feel smaller.

"He's super buff, too," Beau points out, gesturing at Caleb's nonexistent bicep. "Plus his hair is like, browner. Are you sure you're not just pulling another Oskar, Jester?"

"I don't know _what_ you are talking about," Jester says, although she definitely does, and her face gets just a little bluer.

"Are we all finished with looking at me," Caleb says, "because I would really like to be done with that portion of the evening--"

"You heard the man," says Molly. He throws his arms around Beau and Jester's shoulders and leads them out of the store, which is about when Caleb remembers how breathing works. He's slowly learning to be comfortable around his traveling companions, some more than others, but having everyone scrutinize him like that is a recipe for instant panic. Yasha, who is probably the only one who understands how awkward he feels at any given time, taught him a breathing exercise to calm himself the first time she saw him having a panic attack. Breathe in for seven, hold seven, breathe out for seven, he counts to himself, and calls Frumpkin to wrap himself around his shoulders like a scarf.

Molly catches up to him as he trails a little behind the others, who are chatting excitedly about the new book. Or possibly Jester is excited and Beau is pissed off? It's impossible to tell. He tries to focus on their backs instead of the weird jolt he gets from Molly lightly bumping his shoulder.

"You all right, darling?" Molly asks, and holy shit. Holy shit oh no. He's saying it in his regular teasing tone but there's definitely concern there too. Caleb _knows_ this is just How Molly Is but his brain is choosing this moment to remind him that he is, in fact, very gay. Also, Molly has never called him a pet name before, because he definitely would have noticed, because _this_ would have happened.

He's a living being with eyes, of course he's noticed that Molly is attractive. Hell, their whole group is attractive! He's seen all of them partially naked and had a normal amount of reaction every time! He didn't even freak out when Fjord got wasted and started petting his hair last week! He--

"That seems like a no," Molly says. Caleb realizes he's been staring desperately at the ground for an indeterminate amount of time.

"Sorry, I was, uh. Thrown," he manages to say. Molly is still standing close to him, close enough to take his hand. He realizes that Molly tries not to touch him too much because he knows how much of an aversion Caleb has to it most of the time, and that doesn't help any of this at all.

" _Oh_. I'm sorry, I can stop calling you things like that if it makes you uncomfortable--"

"No, it's fine!" Caleb blurts out too loudly and winces. _Don't say you like it, do not say you like it--_ "I didn't, uh, mind. I was just thinking about something else."

"Well, I'm glad you're okay, then," Molly says and starts to catch up with the others. "By the way, I don't think he looked anything like you."

"Thanks," Caleb says, partly for checking in.

"Not nearly handsome enough," Molly says over his shoulder, throwing him a wink. Caleb nearly trips over a cobblestone.

 

"Listen, I know you're probably not the best person to ask about this shit, but I need, uh. Relationship advice." Beau sits cross-legged on the bed, hands balled into fists.

"You are right, I'm not," Caleb says, but he sighs and sits down next to her anyway. "Jester probably is, but Jester also has a very big mouth."

"Yeah, and she's a fan of like, _doing_ shit so I'd probably end up locked in a broom closet with Yash--uh, whoever the person is that I like."

"I know you have a thing for Yasha, Beau. I think _Yasha_ knows you have a thing for Yasha. Also, that was a shitty save."

"Oh, shut up." She punches him in the arm, light enough that it doesn't hurt. She's learning! "Anyway, you're like, really observant, I guess. And you're one of my best friends even if you are a dumbass sometimes, so. Do you think she likes me."

"First of all, definitely don't confess to her like that. That was terrible."

"Aww, Caleb, you know you love me."

"Of course I love you but that doesn't mean I can't tell you when you are being an asshole."

Beau stares at him, wide-eyed. He tries to think of what he's said that was weird and comes up blank.

"What?" he asks, starting to worry that he's broken some unspoken social code, and then she's giving him a one-armed hug and ruffling his hair with her other hand. It's not unpleasant, despite how rough she is at pretty much everything.

"That was sincere! Caleb Widogast just said he loves me!" She mock-swoons with a hand over her heart. "I never thought I'd see the day.... I thought his heart was closed to all except Nott and every cat he comes across...."

"Oh shut up," says Caleb, but he's smiling. "You're one of my best friends too. And you still suck at being nice to people." She sticks her tongue out at him.

"C'mon, seriously. You're close with Molly, you could totally get him to give you the rundown on Yasha! He's gotta know if she's into me! Plus you speak her language and totally talk shit about me with her all the time, don't think I don't notice."

"First of all, why not just ask Molly yourself--"

"He'll just make fun of me! He _likes_ you!"

"--that makes literally no sense and _second_ of all you think _I'm_ close with him? Since when?"

Beau stares at him as if he's grown a third arm. "Since always? He's always looking out for you and stuff. I mean, sure, he cares about the rest of us, but he's super careful around you and--wait, holy _shit_ , Caleb. He _likes_ you?" She seems to have surprised herself with this, but not nearly as much as she's surprised Caleb.

"Of course he does. He likes all of us," Caleb says very carefully, even as his heart tries to pound its way out of his chest.

"No, like, he doesn't just like you. He _likes_ you. Like, in the gay way."

"That is not--how would you even--in that case I guess he likes all of us _that way_ because--he, I, uh--" Caleb flails this disaster of a sentence to a stop and stares very deliberately at the wall.

"Okay. Dude. You definitely have a crush because there is no way you would react like that if you didn't."

"Try me," Caleb says defiantly. He studies the paint peeling on the inn wall. There's a pattern that looks kind of like a cat.

"Okay. Fjord has a crush on you."

"He doesn't and that is ridiculous." The wall looks like it was painted white before it was this weird shade of yellow. He wishes they'd go back to it.

"Uh huh. Molly has a crush on you."

"He, uh. Absolutely does not, and." _I kind of wish he did._ **_Fuck!_ **

"Gotcha!"

Caleb throws a pillow at her, then finds another pillow and lies face down on it, ignoring Beau's victorious laughter.

"If you tell anyone about this, I will kill you," he mumbles half-heartedly. He feels Beau pat him on the shoulder, surprisingly gentle for her, and then she just sits down right on his back.

"Beau!" He wiggles a little, but she's not budging.

"I will not tell Molly about this little conversation, _and_ I will let you up, _if_ \--"

"If," Caleb deadpans, wincing as he gets a mouthful of pillowcase.

"You promise to make a _fucking_ move."

"You know, the pressure is actually very nice, so I think I would rather have you use me as a bench," Caleb says. Beau ignores him. She's picked up the tiefling porn now and is reading it in the most exaggeratedly annoying way possible, mumbling every other word to herself and mispronouncing words horribly on purpose.

"Okay, I will admit that you are starting to grate on my nerves, but I am still not making a move--" Caleb starts, then winces as Beau holds the book where he can see it and bends back the spine with a ripping sound. "--don't _do_ that!"

"Oh, you don't like it when I do _this?_ " says Beau, with a horrible approximation of a smile, and opens to another page to do it again.

"Okay, I see what you are doing and--" Beau dog-ears the page, then rubs her thumb over the crease. Caleb can't help but make a stifled noise of pain.

"Are you gonna do it or should I go get some bread and jam from the kitchens?" Beau says. Caleb groans into the pillow and gives up.

"You win! You win so please stop destroying the brand new book!"

Beau jumps off him with a loud slam as her feet hit the floor. He pulls himself up slowly and glares at her. She glares back, although that's pretty much her default. She's forgotten all about Yasha in her sudden desire to meddle in Caleb's nonexistent love life, but maybe he can put in a good word or two for her anyway. Not that she deserves it.

 

Much to his own surprise, Caleb does end up making what could be considered a "move." It's subtle, and it's pretty much an accident, but it gets Beau off his back for a while.

He's trying to read _Infernal Tongues_ , which is starting to get to the good bits, but he keeps getting frustrated at the author just expecting everyone to know what the main character is saying in Infernal. Maybe it's a stylistic choice, but Mx. "Misrule Charmm"--which is clearly an alias and the most ridiculous name he's ever heard--absolutely refuses to translate any of their text. He's not going to waste a spell slot on this fucking book, but he is contemplating taking a whole hour out of his day to cast Comprehend Languages as a ritual, just to spite this author.

"We really should have gotten another copy or two of that." Caleb recognizes Molly's lilting accent and looks up as he sits down across the table.

" _Ja_ , I am sorry I am making slow work of it, but not knowing the Infernal lines is quite frustrating."

"Oh, here, let me see." Molly holds out a hand. Caleb wastes several seconds admiring his long, graceful fingers before he blinks and gets up to move to the other side of the table. His motives are entirely practical--they should both be able to see the book, after all--but he does get no small amount of satisfaction from the surprised twitch of Molly's tail.

"Wow, this is stereotypical as hell," Molly says a moment later, then smirks at his own accidental pun. It is, though--well written enough to still be decently enjoyable, but the tiefling character is a Mysterious Sexy Outcast who disrupts the routines of a Small Bigoted Town, and the other lead is a Workaholic who only cares about his smithy until... yeah, you guessed it.

"Ah, here's the first one I can't just guess from context," Caleb says, leaning over to point out a line.

Molly says something in the now-familiar hissing tones of Infernal, which is probably the line. Then he loses his composure and starts laughing.

" _What_ ," Caleb says.

"I just told you that cabbages cost 3 copper. This guy's just fucking with the other characters. I _like_ him."

"That is... unexpectedly great, actually," Caleb says. He's glad he didn't waste an hour on Comprehend Languages now. "Are all the lines like that?"

"Let's find out, shall we?" Molly flips through the book a couple of times, back and forth like he's shuffling cards, then finds a page and starts making a show of thumbing through it. "Whoa, they have a threesome with an aasimar?"

"They do _what_?" Caleb says. That is not where he was expecting the book to go.

"I'm just fucking with you, although I think that would be a better book. They just have annoyingly bland but supposedly kinky sex, I think." He flips through some more pages and grins. "Most of it is just that trope where he's saying I love you or whatever and the other guy doesn't know it. Also, the pet name he uses is the word for beautiful." He says it, then, surprisingly soft for an Infernal word, and he looks straight at Caleb. For a second Caleb pretends that he means it. They're sitting close together, so close that Caleb could kiss him if he wanted to. Then he remembers that Mollymauk is the flirtiest person alive and is _literally_ reading out of a book right now and curses himself for being weak and gay.

It's probably a good thing that Yasha calls Molly over then, because he must have a very stupid faraway look on his face. He expects the one-armed hug he gets. What he doesn't expect is the light kiss Molly presses to the side of his head, or the call of "Enjoy the rest of your book, darling!" over his shoulder. He forgets how to form a sentence for the next few seconds.

"Dude, that was _awesome_ ," Beau says when he passes by her on his way back to his room, holding her hand out for a high five. He just stares at it for a minute before reciprocating. He has absolutely no idea what she's referring to and is also still a little dazed.

"You totally made a move?" she tries.

"I did?"

"Well, whatever it was, he's definitely into you. I mean come on, he called you beautiful and then kissed you? Hello? I would say that's a big ol' win! Plus you got to hang out with the person you liiiike."

"When did I ever say that I _like_ M--" An elbow to the side turns the name into a cough. He realizes that not only was he too loud but Molly and Yasha are coming back this way. Great. Perfect.

"Beauregard, I cannot help but notice that when it comes to certain topics you turn into an oversized child," he says, making his voice as prim as possible and knowing that it'll distract her. It works perfectly, especially since Yasha walks by moments later. Beau nearly falls off her chair trying to sit with a more dignified posture.

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter is beau's pov so get ready for some Hot Monk Pining yall! (don't worry, this is Not gonna be one of those fics where the wlw ship gets shoved aside, i promise it just didn't feature as much this chapter)
> 
> i do not have an update schedule, because i am a fucking nightmare and write at inconsistent times, but somewhere within the vicinity of the next couple of weeks i hope please god
> 
> i'm on [tumblr](http://adhdmollymauk.tumblr.com) and [twitter](twitter.com/adhdmollymauk) and sometimes i post wip snippets from this ;) be the First To Kno


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